Why end the cheesiness with Valentine's Day? Fun things to do on the cheap, or for free.

I'm not offended if you feel that the humor I dish out is at times a bit Velveeta-esque. What do you expect from a free blog entitled The Vigilant Consumer - money and time saving tips encapsulated in a barrel of laughs? Although I've done my best to spark a smirk or two, all my previous postings are a mere curd in comparison to theooey, gooey, pungent, crispy and delicious cheesy mess that I am about to melt down right now.

That's right, The 2nd Annual NorCal Grilled Cheese Invitational is hitting San Francisco this weekend. Do you know how excited I am? I'm too excited to sleep (see the video above)! [Here is a Vigilant Consumer tip within a tip - Disneyland is offering everyone free admission on your birthday, throughout 2009 - see terms and conditions. I guess this is somewhat related since mice eat cheese.] I've never been to the Grilled Cheese Invitational (GCI), but after reading the rules for the event, I know it will be a blast. The sandwiches are judged by the public, making it even tastier. Perhaps I'll enter next year with a delectable treat - a crunchy outer layer of fried cheese and an inner layer of metliness nuzzled up against some crispy Doritos. Mmmm mmmm good.

Best of all, the event is free! Although I dream of one day growing up to be Anthony Bourdain (or at least possessing a teaspoon of his culinary eloquence), I actually chose to write about the GCI because it represents one of the hundreds of free or cheap events taking place in your city each week. Some may be as innocuous as sampling a tasty sandwich while others may be more risque like coed naked two hand touch football on a muddy field - in San Francisco the activities run the gamut.

Here we are blessed with several websites that aggregate the activities for us such as funcheapSF.com and mybart.org. Since The Vigilant Consumer is a one man operation that boasts readers from 394 cities in 22 countries, I simply don't have time to uncover the gems in each of your cities. Help out your fellow readers by posting a comment (or emailing me - thevigilantconsumer@gmail.com) with your favorite websites that feature the naked grilled cheese contests in your city, and I'll be sure to share them with the masses.

Shrinkage! Get out of the pool and lower your cellphone bill.

With Senator Judd Gregg withdrawing himself from consideration, perhaps President Obama should nominate Ronald McDonald or Walmart's unemployed Smiley character as the next Commerce Secretary. After all, McDonald's and Walmart seem to be the only companies that are still thriving in this economic debacle that we are enduring (even Coca Cola's profits are down). At least there'd be some tasy fries at the cabinent meetings. In a previous posting I discussed how to tighten the physical belt - today let's tighten the metaphorical one.

Ahh, remember the glory years of the Seinfeld era? Back in those days, shrinkage led to embarrassment (see video above). Today shrinkage should be celebrated, especially when it refers to your shriveling cellphone bills. Does The Vigilant Consumer have a tip on how you can easily determine whether these reductions are in your future? You betcha.

BillShrink.com aims to analyze your mobile usage in order to determine the most cost-effective plan. Once you provide info on voice minutes, data and text usage, they'll spit out recommendations on which carriers and plans you should consider. Keep in mind, however, if you are an iPhone junky - you are still tied to AT&T in the US. BillShrink predicts the carriers' projected signal strength in your zip, but be sure to check with friends and coworkers if you are switching to a new carrier - you don't want to become the victim of a dead-zone. If this site doesn't do the trick for you (and you are no longer under contract), try the old fashioned way. Call up your carrier and immediately ask for the cancellations department. Chances are, they'll be willing to throw some freebies your way.

Can you hear me now?

Rescue your New Year's resolutions. Black lights, dance beats and hot chicks (or dudes) in spandex will do the trick.

In these belt tightening times, perhaps you should cinch yours up a few notches. It's early February and McDonald's just released record earnings. This likely means that all your New Year's resolutions of health and fitness have long been chewed up with your Big Mac and swallowed away with a chocolate shake. Have no fear, The Vigilant Consumer is here to help resuscitate those lofty goals. I've caught on to an exercise phenomenon that is sure to rock your world - it's a mashup that's sure to rival the beauty of chocolate and peanut butter.



Combine the thrills of a hot nightclub with the heart thumping energy of an intense workout and there you have it, spin class (a form of high-intensity exercise using a stationary exercise bicycle). It's no surprise that most people join a gym and never go. Who wants to stand around in a stuffy room packed with meatheads? Not only will spin class provide the most gym value for your dollar, but it will also quench your thirst to go clubbing 7 nights a week. Allow me to explain:

• Think of the spin studio as the dance club itself. You enter and the lights are dim - everyone always looks better under the soothing hue of a black light.
• Just like a club, the class is chock full of hot chicks (or dudes). More importantly, they are likely in better shape then the average club kid, and they probably look more attractive in spandex. And, just like when clubbing, you still won't end up talking to any of them.
• The bike is your safety blanket. You won't need to bust out your awkward dance moves, but you'll still break into a sweat. If you are determined to learn some new dance moves, click here or watch the video below.
• You'll still get to enjoy your favorite mind blaring dance beats while sipping a dreadful tasting energy drink. The only difference is the drink won't be mixed with vodka.
• From The Vigilant Consumer perspective, you're getting your money's worth. Not only are you using the gym's equipment, but they also have to pay for those instructors.
• OK, maybe the spin studio will be missing one thing - glow sticks.

This plan spells success. Gone will be the late nights of clubbing where you end up dropping $100 or more on booze and late night eats. Less than one night's savings will fund your monthly gym membership, you'll be back on track to a healthy year and you may even have to buy a smaller belt.

UPDATE: Apparently I forgot to detail all of spinning's cardiovascular benefits in the original post. If burning 400-600 calories is not enough proof for you, check this out. Right after writing this post I went to a spin class, and one row in front of me was Bob Harper, the hardcore trainer from NBC's "The Biggest Loser".

Markopolos vs. Madoff - a hero is born. Plus, forensic accountants: the modern day doctors or lawyers?

By definition a hero is a person "of distinguished courage or ability, admired for brave deeds and noble qualities." When pondering modern day heroes, Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger stands tall at the top of the list. Not only did he skillfully land an Airbus 320 into the Hudson River, but then he searched the plane twice making sure all 150 passengers and crew had safely escaped. Sully is the complete package with the good looks and pedigree - he even called the local library to alert them that he lost one of their books in the crash.

Is it possible for someone armed with a slight comb-over and a slew of complex spreadsheets to be designated a hero? Although his Facebook page has less than 100 fans (in comparions to Sully's 556,000), Harry Markopolos (pictured up top) is not only one of the greatest vigilant consumers ever, he is definitely a true modern hero. In his mind, the decade long journey to untangle and expose the Ponzi scheme being perpetuated by Bernie Madoff was a complete failure. After all, the scheme did not unravel as a result of his efforts and it led to at least one victim's suicide - this was not a simple boiler room (see video) operation.

The failure and guilt weigh entirely on the conscience of the SEC and so called journalists who missed this golden opportunity that Markopolos delivered to them on a silver platter (if you read my earlier post on why the newspaper industry is dying, here is a another reason - a complete lack of investigative journalism). Without Markopolos's detailed records, the SEC may have escaped from this scandal unscathed. As this unassuming finance geek told the world via his testimony before the House Financial Services Subcommittee on Capital Markets, Insurance and Government Sponsored Enterprises, ""The SEC is also captive to the industry it regulates and it is afraid of bringing big cases against the largest most powerful firms." More importantly, he has the documents to back up his claim (if you are really having a hard time falling asleep, click here to read his 2005 submission to the SEC).

Markopolos feared for his life as he gathered this information and tried to alert the authorities. It may have taken more than 8 years and losses of $50 billion, but due to Markopolos's heroic efforts, we are certain to see drastic changes in the way the SEC conducts itself. Even though he didn't officially defeat Madoff (and his Gordon Geckoesque shenanigans), he does claim to have a smaller $1 billion scheme (Stewie Griffin sized - see video) that he will be exposing shortly.

Meantime, the government is scrambling to find qualified forensic accountants to make sense of all this madness. I doubt we will be seeing a Law and Order Forensic Accountants spin off anytime soon (I yawned just thinking about it), but with such a high demand for their services (and so few experts in this area) they will be able to demand rock-star salaries, especially in this fraud and bankruptcy plagued economy. Don't be surprised if your mom calls trying to set you up with the son of her friend from the bridge group. No, he's not a doctor or a lawyer. He's a forensic accountant!