Why end the cheesiness with Valentine's Day? Fun things to do on the cheap, or for free.

I'm not offended if you feel that the humor I dish out is at times a bit Velveeta-esque. What do you expect from a free blog entitled The Vigilant Consumer - money and time saving tips encapsulated in a barrel of laughs? Although I've done my best to spark a smirk or two, all my previous postings are a mere curd in comparison to theooey, gooey, pungent, crispy and delicious cheesy mess that I am about to melt down right now.

That's right, The 2nd Annual NorCal Grilled Cheese Invitational is hitting San Francisco this weekend. Do you know how excited I am? I'm too excited to sleep (see the video above)! [Here is a Vigilant Consumer tip within a tip - Disneyland is offering everyone free admission on your birthday, throughout 2009 - see terms and conditions. I guess this is somewhat related since mice eat cheese.] I've never been to the Grilled Cheese Invitational (GCI), but after reading the rules for the event, I know it will be a blast. The sandwiches are judged by the public, making it even tastier. Perhaps I'll enter next year with a delectable treat - a crunchy outer layer of fried cheese and an inner layer of metliness nuzzled up against some crispy Doritos. Mmmm mmmm good.

Best of all, the event is free! Although I dream of one day growing up to be Anthony Bourdain (or at least possessing a teaspoon of his culinary eloquence), I actually chose to write about the GCI because it represents one of the hundreds of free or cheap events taking place in your city each week. Some may be as innocuous as sampling a tasty sandwich while others may be more risque like coed naked two hand touch football on a muddy field - in San Francisco the activities run the gamut.

Here we are blessed with several websites that aggregate the activities for us such as funcheapSF.com and mybart.org. Since The Vigilant Consumer is a one man operation that boasts readers from 394 cities in 22 countries, I simply don't have time to uncover the gems in each of your cities. Help out your fellow readers by posting a comment (or emailing me - thevigilantconsumer@gmail.com) with your favorite websites that feature the naked grilled cheese contests in your city, and I'll be sure to share them with the masses.

Shrinkage! Get out of the pool and lower your cellphone bill.

With Senator Judd Gregg withdrawing himself from consideration, perhaps President Obama should nominate Ronald McDonald or Walmart's unemployed Smiley character as the next Commerce Secretary. After all, McDonald's and Walmart seem to be the only companies that are still thriving in this economic debacle that we are enduring (even Coca Cola's profits are down). At least there'd be some tasy fries at the cabinent meetings. In a previous posting I discussed how to tighten the physical belt - today let's tighten the metaphorical one.

Ahh, remember the glory years of the Seinfeld era? Back in those days, shrinkage led to embarrassment (see video above). Today shrinkage should be celebrated, especially when it refers to your shriveling cellphone bills. Does The Vigilant Consumer have a tip on how you can easily determine whether these reductions are in your future? You betcha.

BillShrink.com aims to analyze your mobile usage in order to determine the most cost-effective plan. Once you provide info on voice minutes, data and text usage, they'll spit out recommendations on which carriers and plans you should consider. Keep in mind, however, if you are an iPhone junky - you are still tied to AT&T in the US. BillShrink predicts the carriers' projected signal strength in your zip, but be sure to check with friends and coworkers if you are switching to a new carrier - you don't want to become the victim of a dead-zone. If this site doesn't do the trick for you (and you are no longer under contract), try the old fashioned way. Call up your carrier and immediately ask for the cancellations department. Chances are, they'll be willing to throw some freebies your way.

Can you hear me now?

Rescue your New Year's resolutions. Black lights, dance beats and hot chicks (or dudes) in spandex will do the trick.

In these belt tightening times, perhaps you should cinch yours up a few notches. It's early February and McDonald's just released record earnings. This likely means that all your New Year's resolutions of health and fitness have long been chewed up with your Big Mac and swallowed away with a chocolate shake. Have no fear, The Vigilant Consumer is here to help resuscitate those lofty goals. I've caught on to an exercise phenomenon that is sure to rock your world - it's a mashup that's sure to rival the beauty of chocolate and peanut butter.



Combine the thrills of a hot nightclub with the heart thumping energy of an intense workout and there you have it, spin class (a form of high-intensity exercise using a stationary exercise bicycle). It's no surprise that most people join a gym and never go. Who wants to stand around in a stuffy room packed with meatheads? Not only will spin class provide the most gym value for your dollar, but it will also quench your thirst to go clubbing 7 nights a week. Allow me to explain:

• Think of the spin studio as the dance club itself. You enter and the lights are dim - everyone always looks better under the soothing hue of a black light.
• Just like a club, the class is chock full of hot chicks (or dudes). More importantly, they are likely in better shape then the average club kid, and they probably look more attractive in spandex. And, just like when clubbing, you still won't end up talking to any of them.
• The bike is your safety blanket. You won't need to bust out your awkward dance moves, but you'll still break into a sweat. If you are determined to learn some new dance moves, click here or watch the video below.
• You'll still get to enjoy your favorite mind blaring dance beats while sipping a dreadful tasting energy drink. The only difference is the drink won't be mixed with vodka.
• From The Vigilant Consumer perspective, you're getting your money's worth. Not only are you using the gym's equipment, but they also have to pay for those instructors.
• OK, maybe the spin studio will be missing one thing - glow sticks.

This plan spells success. Gone will be the late nights of clubbing where you end up dropping $100 or more on booze and late night eats. Less than one night's savings will fund your monthly gym membership, you'll be back on track to a healthy year and you may even have to buy a smaller belt.

UPDATE: Apparently I forgot to detail all of spinning's cardiovascular benefits in the original post. If burning 400-600 calories is not enough proof for you, check this out. Right after writing this post I went to a spin class, and one row in front of me was Bob Harper, the hardcore trainer from NBC's "The Biggest Loser".

Markopolos vs. Madoff - a hero is born. Plus, forensic accountants: the modern day doctors or lawyers?

By definition a hero is a person "of distinguished courage or ability, admired for brave deeds and noble qualities." When pondering modern day heroes, Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger stands tall at the top of the list. Not only did he skillfully land an Airbus 320 into the Hudson River, but then he searched the plane twice making sure all 150 passengers and crew had safely escaped. Sully is the complete package with the good looks and pedigree - he even called the local library to alert them that he lost one of their books in the crash.

Is it possible for someone armed with a slight comb-over and a slew of complex spreadsheets to be designated a hero? Although his Facebook page has less than 100 fans (in comparions to Sully's 556,000), Harry Markopolos (pictured up top) is not only one of the greatest vigilant consumers ever, he is definitely a true modern hero. In his mind, the decade long journey to untangle and expose the Ponzi scheme being perpetuated by Bernie Madoff was a complete failure. After all, the scheme did not unravel as a result of his efforts and it led to at least one victim's suicide - this was not a simple boiler room (see video) operation.

The failure and guilt weigh entirely on the conscience of the SEC and so called journalists who missed this golden opportunity that Markopolos delivered to them on a silver platter (if you read my earlier post on why the newspaper industry is dying, here is a another reason - a complete lack of investigative journalism). Without Markopolos's detailed records, the SEC may have escaped from this scandal unscathed. As this unassuming finance geek told the world via his testimony before the House Financial Services Subcommittee on Capital Markets, Insurance and Government Sponsored Enterprises, ""The SEC is also captive to the industry it regulates and it is afraid of bringing big cases against the largest most powerful firms." More importantly, he has the documents to back up his claim (if you are really having a hard time falling asleep, click here to read his 2005 submission to the SEC).

Markopolos feared for his life as he gathered this information and tried to alert the authorities. It may have taken more than 8 years and losses of $50 billion, but due to Markopolos's heroic efforts, we are certain to see drastic changes in the way the SEC conducts itself. Even though he didn't officially defeat Madoff (and his Gordon Geckoesque shenanigans), he does claim to have a smaller $1 billion scheme (Stewie Griffin sized - see video) that he will be exposing shortly.

Meantime, the government is scrambling to find qualified forensic accountants to make sense of all this madness. I doubt we will be seeing a Law and Order Forensic Accountants spin off anytime soon (I yawned just thinking about it), but with such a high demand for their services (and so few experts in this area) they will be able to demand rock-star salaries, especially in this fraud and bankruptcy plagued economy. Don't be surprised if your mom calls trying to set you up with the son of her friend from the bridge group. No, he's not a doctor or a lawyer. He's a forensic accountant!

A January recap:Tips and tricks to protect yourself, save time and get the most for your money.

January was an quite exciting month. After donning The Vigilant Consumer costume for the first time, I embarked on a journey, spreading the art of proactive consumerism - teaching people to protect themselves, save time and get more for their money. Along the way, I managed to give "The Finger" to BernieMadoff and sit down for a free lunch (which tasted much better than spam) courtesy of OpenTable. When my beloved Chargers lost in the playoffs, I turned up the free, feelgood tunes on my iPod touch (courtesy of Pandora) and drowned my sorrows in some eCommerce , trying to make a dent in the pile of gift cards I received during the holidays. Did I search for promo codes before buying? You betcha... especially since I need to save money after learning that The Governator might be sending me an IOU rather than tax refund this year.

If that read like complete gibberish, then you clearly have not been reading enough of The Vigilant Consumer. Now that Blagojevich will no longer make headlines that consume your each waking hour (I am sure I'll be eating those words), why not spend that freed up time indulging yourself in some more of what I'm throwing down. To make it easy for you to navigate the previous postings, I put links below. Don't worry, just like rollover minutes, they don't expire. Plus new ones are on the way!

If the opening paragraph strangely made sense to you, however, then you are one of the 600 loyal readers that has inspired me to keep this journey going. Please continue sending me feedback and story ideas at thevigilantconsumer.gmail.com. More importantly, spread the word to all your friends, family, colleagues, acquaintances and exes who might enjoy the blog. Are you a recluse, or like Madoff , do you no longer have friends? You can still help the cause. At the end of each posting you'll notice a little green icon with a less than symbol and the words "share this". Simply click this link and click either the "Reddit" or "Digg" service to tell the masses about The Vigilant Consumer. After a quick registration process (it just takes a few minutes), it'll only take a few seconds each time you want to help promote The Vigilant Consumer.

Check out the links to January's stories below.

• What is The Vigilant Consumer? - It's all about proactive consumerism, tips and tricks that can prevent you from getting screwed in the first place. Protect yourself, save time and get more for your money.
• Do you have a promo code? - When buying online, you should ALWAYS search for a "promo code". How to find these codes for huge savings.
• The next Bernie Madoff is knocking on your door. How do you protect yourself? - How to use some easy internet tools to protect yourself when selecting a financial adviser.
• Get spammed and save money. Top brands will throw offers your way! - How to save money by signing up for company newsletters.
• Buying an iPhone, iPod, Mac or any other Apple product? Visit MacRumors first. - One website you should always reference prior to purchasing any Apple product.
• I hate email spam... and I'm also not partial to the meat byproduct after which it is named. - How to use multiple email accounts to avoid spam from retailers, even when you want to receive info and coupon codes from them.
• Live in California? Pay your taxes ASAP or your refund might be an IOU. - Governor Schwarzenegger may be sending you an IOU rather than a tax refund this year. How to protect yourself in the future.
• Out of touch. One reason the newspaper industry is dying. - How trips to Naples just to eat pizza and "glam, glam, glam" are killing the newspaper industry.
• 4 tips to protect your holiday gift cards. - How do you protect your gift cards from getting lost, expiring, or burning a hole in your pocket.
• There ain't no such thing as a free lunch? Think again. OpenTable gets 3 Thumbs Up. - How OpenTable saves you time and money when making restaurant reservations. Take advantage of this service to enjoy Restaurant Weeks across the country - three-course, prix-fixe meals at top restaurants with some even donating money to charity.
• The Blog vs. Blago: A Tale of the Tape - A funny explanation of how The Vigilant Consumer (Blog) is much different than Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich (Blago)!
• Free music on your iPhone, iPod touch or home computer. Pandora scores 3 Thumbs Up. - In this time of change, expand your music horizon. Learn how Pandora.com entertains you as you discover new music on your iPhone,iPod, or home computer – for free.
• Mesothelioma - Things That Make You Go Hmm. - Ever wonder why your TV is dominated by Jacoby and Meyers type ads for lawsuits involving mesothelioma? Find out why these law firms spend so much to advertise online and on TV.
• To all BlackBerry users suffering iPhone envy. Download the Wall Street Journal Mobile Reader and see why it gets 3 Thumbs Up. - Fellow news junkies with BlackBerry mobile devices must check out the Wall Street Journal Mobile Reader.

To all BlackBerry users suffering iPhone envy. Download the Wall Street Journal Mobile Reader and see why it gets 3 Thumbs Up.

I love news. Business, technology, political, food, sports and travel - I read it all. How do you think I come up with all the crazy stuff I write about in The Vigilant Consumer? Now, more than ever, I have become obsessed with the influx of stories about the economic downturn, corporate bankruptcies, failed bailouts, financial fraud, mass layoffs, Blagojevich, Madoff, etc. - you get the point. Perhaps I'm a glutton for punishment. Most people would say, "Calgon, take me away." If you're like me, however, you eschew the temptation of a relaxing bath infused with sodium hexametaphosphate and start reading the next article.

All of my fellow news junkies with BlackBerry mobile devices must check out the Wall Street Journal Mobile Reader. This nifty mobile application is certainly worthy of 3 Thumbs Up on theVC Scale of Love. It is free, extremely easy to use, not available on the iPhone and packed with the following features:

• Premium content for free - Access most of the Wall Street Journal on your mobile. This depth of content isn't even available onWSJ.com unless you are a subscriber. Plus, customize the settings so you only will see stories from categories that you find interesting.
• Stories beyond the Wall Street Journal - That's right, you can use this application to get all your favorite blogs or RSS feeds (don't worry about the fancy words) delivered straight to your phone. Now you can read The Vigilant Consumer when governing the kingdom from your porcelain throne!
• Stock updates - Get almost real time stock quotes so you can follow your personal portfolio or track those new-found buying opportunities. Who really wants to follow their portfolio that closely? Did you forget? I am a masochist.
• Sharing - Want to share the pain with a friend? It's easy to email the story to someone from your address book, bookmark it with Delicious or post it to Facebook.

If you are new to the world of "mobile applications", do not fear. Downloading this to your phone is about 10x easier than setting the clock on your VCR (and if you're too young to even know what a VCR is, you were probably downloading mobile apps at birth). All you have to do is click here, enter your email address (the one you access on your mobile) and open the email from your BlackBerry. The rest is a piece a cake.

If you were a CrackBerry addict before, you'll certainly need an intervention now. After all, you probably just missed another Madoff or Blagojevich inspired headline.

Mesothelioma - Things That Make You Go Hmm.

As many Americans look to the future, I'd like to pay homage to the past and simultaneously introduce a new segment of The Vigilant Consumer - "Things That Make You Go Hmmm." I'm a very curious individual, and this segment is inspired by an extraordinary comedian, inspiring actor and Emmy Award Winning talk show host, Arsenio Hall. Did you know that the Things That Make You Go Hmm skit on "The Arsenio Hall Show" actually inspired the hit song by C+C Music Factory? And, for all you youngins, Arsenio could've won a multi-million dollar lawsuit against Randy Jackson and American Idol for their pilfering of the "Dogpound" or "Dawg Pound" if he himself hadn't stolen it from the Cleveland Browns.

Speaking of lawsuit, I had the pleasure of attending jury duty this week. When the judge announced that this was to be a class action, civil case dealing with mesothelioma I knew this one would drag out for awhile. However, looking around the room, I noticed that many of my fellow citizens had puzzled looks on their faces, as though they wondered why we would be dealing a case taking place on the Tigris-Euphrates rivers, near Iraq. Not Mesopotamia...Mesothelioma. Not that I am smarter than my peers, but I watch a fair amount of TV, have done my share of online advertising, and like I said, I am a very curious person.


Therefore, I'd like to dedicate this inaugural segment of Things That Make You Go Hmmm to mesothelioma. If you haven't heard of it, that's a good thing. It's a very deadly type of cancer in which malignant cells develop in the mesothelium (the lining that protects many of your body's organs). In particular, it usually affects areas of the chest, the heart and lungs. As you may be thinking, however, mesothelioma is not caused by smoking. Rather, the majority of mesothelioma cases are due to asbestos, a group of minerals that are used in many industrial products including insulation, roof shingles and flooring. During manufacturing and installation, the cancerous particles easily became airborne, and are often inhaled by workers.

Although some famous people (Steve McQueen, Warren Zevon, and Paul Gleason the actor who portrayed Principal Richard Vernon in The Breakfast Club) have died from mesothelioma, it is quite rare with only 2,000-4,000 new cases diagnosed each year. Chances are the word rings a bell because you've seen one of the many television ads featuring lawyers that can win you court judgements worth millions if "you or someone you know is suffering from or died due to mesothelioma." You may be wondering how these shady looking (think Law Offices ofJacoby and Myers) law firms have the budget to run such expansive campaigns. If that's not perplexing enough, why is the word "mesothelioma" one of the most expensive keywords (costing advertisers $20-40 per each click) for targeted ads on all the search engines?

The answer is simple. Class action lawsuits + huge awards = wealthy lawyers. Despite knowing of the dangers associated with asbestos for more than 60 years, manufacturers still continue to use it in their products. Therefore, victims and their families have received judgements worth billions of dollars to cover the cost of medical care, lost wages and in many cases punitive damages. In 2003 the Wall Street Journal reported that $54 billion had been paid out relating to asbestos cases, with more than half of that going to the lawyers. Since each additional victim adds another $1,000,000 or more (I'm just guessing here) to the value of the class action suit, then running these ads is a nobrainer . This is especially true in the online world where the law firms' ads are only exposed to those who are actively searching on the rare term "mesothelioma" and where they only have to pay when someone clicks the ad. Think about it. At $30 per click, even if only 1% of those that click become clients, the law firm will only be spending $3,000 for each new $1,000,000 client. That's not too shabby a return on investment.

Now, if only I can figure out what happened to Arsenio Hall!